As a parent, navigating the emotional landscape of a teenager can be challenging at the best of times. When they are noncommunicative, it can seem to be impossible. It’s natural to want to help a troubled teen, however, the way you approach these conversations can either build a bridge or widen the gap between you and your teen. Here are four essential perspectives to consider when talking with a teenager who seems withdrawn sullen, or moody.
- Bridge the Gap Between “Parent” and “Teenager”
Your teen likely sees you primarily in two roles: “the parent” and perhaps “a business person.” These identities are often so far removed from the experiences of adolescence that your teenager may struggle to believe that you could understand what they’re going through. They see you as someone with authority, wisdom, and responsibility—qualities that may feel alien or even intimidating to them.
To bridge this gap, it’s crucial to share your own experiences from when you were their age. Vulnerability is key here. By talking about your own teenage struggles, fears, and insecurities, you make it clear that you too once grappled with the same intense emotions and uncertainties.
Many parents want to hide their own teenage indiscretions from their children, believing that speaking about experimenting with things like drugs or sex might encourage their child to try it. But there is another side to this kind of vulnerability; sharing your experiences can help your teen understand that mistakes are a natural part of growing up. By being open about your past, you show them that they are not alone in facing difficult choices and that they can always come to you without fear of judgment. This openness fosters trust and helps them feel supported as they navigate their own challenges.
Being vulnerable in this way opens the door for your teenager to see you not just as “the parent” but as someone who once walked in their shoes. It’s up to you to remove the communication gap by remembering what it felt like to be a teenager and expressing those feelings. When they realize that you can relate to their emotions, they’re more likely to open up and trust you with their own experiences.
- Listen, Don’t Just Advise
Reflect on your own childhood: Did you always follow the advice your parents gave you? Did you even want their advice every time you faced a problem? The answer is most likely a resounding no. Teens, like adults, often seek validation and understanding more than solutions. The power of listening and validating your teenager’s feelings is an immensely effective tool often overlooked by parents.
When your teen is speaking, resist the urge to immediately offer solutions or advice. Instead, focus on truly listening (as distinct from just hearing) to what they’re saying, and more importantly, to what they’re feeling. Acknowledge their emotions and let them know their feelings are valid, even if you don’t fully understand them. After you’ve listened, instead of jumping in with a solution, ask your teen what they feel should be done. This approach not only shows that you respect their perspective, but also empowers them to take ownership of their situation. When a solution comes from them, they’re more likely to be invested in following through.
- Recognize the Vastly Different Worlds
Understand that the world you grew up in is drastically different from the one your teenager is navigating today. The pressures, influences, and challenges they face are shaped by an ever-changing digital landscape, social media dynamics, and cultural shifts that didn’t exist in your youth. While you may have been a teenager once, the context is different, and this can make it hard to fully grasp their reality.
However, you don’t have to fully understand to empathize. Acknowledge that while your experiences were different, the emotions tied to those experiences—feelings of isolation, anxiety, or confusion—are universal. Approach your teenager with empathy and compassion, recognizing that their struggles are valid, even if they’re different from what you faced. By doing so, you create a space where your teen feels seen and understood, rather than judged or dismissed.
- Set aside the parent child roles
See your teenagers as souls with their own path and experiences. When you view them only as a child who needs fixing, your instinct might be to step in with solutions. But remember how it felt when your own parents did this—did you feel supported, or did you feel misunderstood? Often, even well-intentioned advice can make a teenager feel that their feelings aren’t valued. And remember, your child likely does not believe that you understand their circumstances, so your advice may seem irrelevant to them.
Instead of trying to fix things, let your teenager express their thoughts and come up with their own solutions. This way, they feel heard and empowered. When you see them as a soul on their own journey, you respect their ability to navigate challenges, allowing them to grow and learn from their experiences with your support.
Talking with a sullen teenager requires patience, understanding, and a willingness to meet them where they are emotionally. By sharing your own adolescent experiences, truly listening, and empathizing with the unique challenges they face, you can build a stronger, more trusting relationship with your teen. Remember, the goal is not to fix their problems for them but to guide them toward finding their own solutions while knowing they have your unwavering support.
Find Angela at AngelaLegh.com
Angela Legh is an International Freelance Author, an International Bestselling Author, and Motivational Speaker. She is passionate about promoting emotional intelligence with her book series The Bella Santini Chronicles.
